David 
It’s come to my attention that the citizens of Champaign have taken issue with Aldi’s shopping cart policy. Under Aldi’s current system, accessing one of its shopping carts requires a deposit of one quarter. The quarter is used as a form of collateral, releasing the payment back to its owner’s possession once they’ve completed their shopping trip and returned the cart.
Proponents of this system enjoy that the shopping carts at Aldi are always at the store’s front, and appreciate the store’s lower prices. Aldi saves consumers money, as they don’t have to hire a designated cart wrangler to meander around the parking lot and collect shopping carts. On the other hand, a few of the brainiacs at the Daily Illini despise this current system. They believe that carrying around a quarter is something of a huge burden. I agree with them, which is why I usually borrow a quarter from my friend Ryan.
One writer in particular has proposed a solution where an app would be used to unlock the carts rather than a quarter. I have no data to back up my next claim, but I suspect that the use of an app would be wildly unpopular, especially with young people who love physical media. This unnamed writer probably has never encountered the likes of Owen Brennan, who routinely brings up his vinyl collection whenever he gets the chance, shamelessly showing off his Discogs account for the world to see. I doubt he’s ever been introduced to my friend Owen Valentine, who I also suspect would talk my ear off about physical media if I were to ever slip up and bring it up in his company. My point here is that people of my generation love physical media. Whether it’s records, coins, or even physical coffee, it’s not an exaggeration to say that doing away with the quarter system would be an attack on all young people.
The use of an app may be an appeal to the elderly, who love using their phones. One elder in particular, current U.S. president Donald Trump, hates physical media more than anyone I know. He’s recently passed some sort of legislation that will cease the production of the penny. We can all agree that this move will be a sort of “straw that fixes the camel’s back” maneuver and will restore the economy back to whatever it looked like back when it was supposedly good. If we follow this thread, we can safely assume that after they stop producing the penny, the national mint will work to stop producing the nickel, after which they will stop producing the dime, and eventually will phase out the quarter. This would put Aldi’s quarter system into jeopardy, or maybe even double jeopardy. However, based on the ages of all parties involved, it would not be a crazy leap to assume that some biological factors will take effect before the quarter is done away with.
Through my intensive research on this matter, I’ve come up with a solution that I expect everyone to be happy with. Instead of needing one quarter to unlock a cart at Aldi, I believe that the carts should require two quarters. This appeals to the savviness of an Aldi shopper. Aldi shoppers are smarter than the average bear, choosing Aldi based on its numerous deals. This leaves them with a little extra money in their pockets, probably even more than 50 cents. Requiring just one quarter is a form of Aldi talking down to their loyal customers. In fact, I was insulted when I realized that the carts required one measly quarter. Does Aldi think I’m poor or something?
Personal insults aside, there’s also a financial incentive for Aldi to change their current system. As of today, Aldi doesn’t have to hire any staff to gather the carts, but because my proposal requires two quarters rather than one, we can imagine that Aldi could reduce the number of cart gatherers by 50%.
One must also consider the financially emotional aspect of shopping at Aldi. Picture this: after arriving at Aldi, you reach into your pocket, and you find not one, but two, quarters. Under Aldi’s current rules and regulations, your unused quarter will become lonely, missing its friend, lover, or partner. As a human writer, I can only speculate on the relationships that coins have with one another, but I’m sure it’s something that they cherish. I expect that this financial loneliness will have some detrimental effect on patrons’ wallets. You might check your pocket at the end of your shopping trip and find that your quarter has been mysteriously replaced with a dime and a nickel. I believe this devaluation process is known as microeconomics.
Changing all the carts at Aldi to accommodate two quarters rather than one is an appeal to our dignity. We deserve to feel as if we are smarter and richer than the schmucks down the road paying $60 a year for a Costco membership. The clock is ticking, counting down the seconds before a locked shopping cart causes societal collapse. I want more than anything for this issue to be taken seriously.
Drafty's Desk Drawer | Issue 7